Heartfelt Pain

In Proverbs, it is put this way ” Each heart knows its own bitterness(14:10 ) Pain is an intense thing and at the time of going through it can make you feel like no one fully understands.  Because our personality, life experiences and even our history shape our response to any given situation, how we deal with that pain is different for everyone. Thinking back to some of the most painful times in my life such as being told I would never be able to carry a baby full term and then loosing the ability to bear a child almost devastated me but God in His infinant wisdom provided a void filler  for that deep black hole that was left by such devastating news in the way of a friend who opened a Christian Preschool at the time of my recovery and whom said Peg I think you would be a wonderful addition to my staff and would like for you to pray about coming on board… I did and was in that ministry for a little over 10 years. I now have so many children who’re lives touched mine and I pray in some way that I touched theirs as well.

As I talked about in a previous post, I nearly lost not one but two of my best male friendships both impart because of some bad choice making , never doubt that Satan isn’t alive and wreaking havoc on this earth because I am here to tell you he seeks to devour God’s children in any way possible. Somewhere in my fractured thinking I convinced myself there was more to a situation than there was, with all fairness to everyone involved  the majority of the problem laid on me, however Satan is a deceiver of many things and when you are far from God’s will it only makes it easier, after all, that is Satan’s purpose to draw you away from the will of God.

Feelings change even those we think are deep down in the gut. For me I convinced myself things were as I perceived them to be based solely on actions not on the words being spoken, I ended up hurting two wonderful men in the process and nearly destroying two wonderful friendships,  the saddest part is one of those was with my husband who should have been my first priority.

 This situation caused me some very heartfelt pain, praise God that all parties involved are taking some much needed time to heal from this situation and all will be well. The deep question in my soul is this, What deep seeded insecurity is there that would even cause me to react the way I did to said situation?? I really thought I had become this confident woman who no longer worried or compared herself to others but in a fraction of a second I flipped that switch and became this irrational woman who perceived even her closes female friends as potential threats, how off-kilter is that. I am a very smart, confident woman but in this situation I was not, I wanted something that A) I had no right to ask and B) was clearly wrong, I crossed a boundary and nearly lost it all.

The very sad thing that occurred is that I never again will have that closeness with either party involved but with God, all things are possible(Matthew 19:26) and there is a hope and promise that it will be even better.

Insecurity brings forth heartfelt pain but the good news is this, that God is bigger than any pain we have because while we were yet sinners He sent His Only son to die for us. I can ‘t even imagine what that was like for Him, I have an only child and I am here to tell you that it would absolutely destroy me if anything happened to her.

God’s words are filled with promises and hope for the heartfelt pain we go through,the thing to keep in mind is that He always wants our best in any given situation and when His answer is no it’s because He has something better in mind, as I always say He has a purpose and plan for everything we go through.

My heartfelt pain has been a time of mourning the lost closeness that took the place of the closeness I should have had with my husband and through this situation, my husband and I are taking the long road to recovery that will make us stronger and will make our friendships with others stronger as well because we will be grounded in God and not in self.

This is God’s do-over, His perfect plan for my husband and I, this time around we will do it His way and make sure to always keep God in the center of ALL that we say, do and think.